Who am I ?

I am a 50 year old woman.
I do not mind if this is published and I can get advice as long as my name is not used.Not sure how to write this as I have never tried to explain 50 years of hurt before.

To start with I feel I have no identity. I know this sounds silly but I have no idea who I am.
I am adopted, and the people who adopted me were not the nicest of people and I suppose in this day and age would never be allowed to adopt. Well one hopes.

The mental cruelty they put me through has plagued me for my whole life. That is not to mention the physical and sexual abuse I suffered at their hands.
I constantly feel like a target for people to hurt me.
I have had two attempted rapes, even though these were many years ago I still feel like I should have been able to prevent them.
I married a man who bullied me for over 25 years. He was extremely abusive especially after he had a drink. In the end he drank every night and the constant threats to my life got too much.
I attempted suicide 12 years ago and although I swore to myself that no one would ever get me to that point again, i found myself recently having dark thoughts.
I moved out 18 months ago to escape and now live in a beautiful place. My problem here is since moving here I lost my job and for the first time in my life I am unemployed, I know nobody here so have no friends. I do not make friends easily as i do not trust people enough to let them in.
It was my 50th recently I did not receive one card, but what makes it worse is most people did not even realise. Don’t get me wrong I did not want parties or gifts, just an acknowledgement of the day.
I am proud of the fact that i have managed to survive 50 years. but even my own daughters did not remember. I know they are busy but I would have liked a phone call.
Maybe i am just having a moan here as I am not a talker. I was raised not to show emotion so i suppose people even those close to me have no idea how I feel inside.
I am not a talker so i could never say all this to a counsellor.
So not really sure why i am writing this. i suppose just for once to get some of it off my chest.

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How it works

I have found that talking about issues that bother people can be daunting to some, which inevitably leads them not to seek help at all. This can have a detrimental effect on their health. This is why I came up with this idea.
Pen Relief allows anybody to write, anonymously if chosen, about any issue that may be bothering them. You can ask for help, seek advice or simply write to me. If you write then you have two options, one is to get an e mail back or the second is to post it on our page where several people may wish to advise you.
All comments and posts are moderated by me and will not be posted without your permission.
Try it, it may be an asset to you.

Bullying is a problem

This is the first time that I have written to anyone about myself and I hope that you will keep your promise and not print my name.  A lot of experts say that people bully others because they are looking for acceptance, and without it, they try to cause pain to others. Thats all well and good but they have never come to me looking for acceptance, they just make life miserable for me. For what? Their pleasure? 

Why me? I do not stick out by wearing tattoos, outrageous make up or clothes. I dress like any other teenager. I am being picked on for no other reason other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

I remember the day it began even, I turned a corner and three of the bullies were just hanging around, laughing and joking like normal teenagers do, and they stopped as I came into view. I was chosen at this moment. They said nothing initially as I passed but a comment , which I ignored, was shouted from a distance. I heard it, it hurt.

All this was 2 years ago and although I have since left the area, it continues to hurt. I was mentally abused by my tormentors for the two years, on the street and in social media. My phone would ring at all hours, deliveries came to my door without being ordered by me. All for nothing. Bad rumours were spread around about me and my family, none of which were true. They would snigger as they passed me and encourage others to do the same. 

I could not leave the house really as I feared my tormentors. Of course I told the school, my parents and their parents. Nothing happened for it to stop. I even wrote to them asking for it to stop but this made it worse. I was treated for stress and anxiety at 16. It took a huge toll on my physical health too. My grades suffered, not that I was a Grade A, but I began to miss certain classes.

It stopped because I moved, my mother got a job in another area, thankfully. I really don’t know whether it would have otherwise. I now have picked up some of the pieces but some remain broken. 

I think that schools should implement anti bullying programmes into the curriculum at schools and social media be monitored if a person complains of bullying. Bullying not only changes lives but can end them too as we all know. 

Thanks for the space to write about it.