Who am I ?

I am a 50 year old woman.
I do not mind if this is published and I can get advice as long as my name is not used.Not sure how to write this as I have never tried to explain 50 years of hurt before.

To start with I feel I have no identity. I know this sounds silly but I have no idea who I am.
I am adopted, and the people who adopted me were not the nicest of people and I suppose in this day and age would never be allowed to adopt. Well one hopes.

The mental cruelty they put me through has plagued me for my whole life. That is not to mention the physical and sexual abuse I suffered at their hands.
I constantly feel like a target for people to hurt me.
I have had two attempted rapes, even though these were many years ago I still feel like I should have been able to prevent them.
I married a man who bullied me for over 25 years. He was extremely abusive especially after he had a drink. In the end he drank every night and the constant threats to my life got too much.
I attempted suicide 12 years ago and although I swore to myself that no one would ever get me to that point again, i found myself recently having dark thoughts.
I moved out 18 months ago to escape and now live in a beautiful place. My problem here is since moving here I lost my job and for the first time in my life I am unemployed, I know nobody here so have no friends. I do not make friends easily as i do not trust people enough to let them in.
It was my 50th recently I did not receive one card, but what makes it worse is most people did not even realise. Don’t get me wrong I did not want parties or gifts, just an acknowledgement of the day.
I am proud of the fact that i have managed to survive 50 years. but even my own daughters did not remember. I know they are busy but I would have liked a phone call.
Maybe i am just having a moan here as I am not a talker. I was raised not to show emotion so i suppose people even those close to me have no idea how I feel inside.
I am not a talker so i could never say all this to a counsellor.
So not really sure why i am writing this. i suppose just for once to get some of it off my chest.

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How it works

I have found that talking about issues that bother people can be daunting to some, which inevitably leads them not to seek help at all. This can have a detrimental effect on their health. This is why I came up with this idea.
Pen Relief allows anybody to write, anonymously if chosen, about any issue that may be bothering them. You can ask for help, seek advice or simply write to me. If you write then you have two options, one is to get an e mail back or the second is to post it on our page where several people may wish to advise you.
All comments and posts are moderated by me and will not be posted without your permission.
Try it, it may be an asset to you.

Ghost writers

Someone said to me yesterday that they have not seen any stories in a while and was it because the site has gone quiet. No,its because a lot of those that write choose not to have their piece publicly displayed . We respect peoples choices, some just want to get things off their chest. Pen Relief is totally committed to anonymity when the need arises, the only time that we will intervene is when we feel that a child is being/ or at risk of being harmed. we are obliged by law to pass on any details to the relevant authorities in those cases. 

If you have something to get off your chest and cannot face others at this time then write it down and send it to Pen Relief, we will read it and reply if you need us to. write to penrelief@gmail.com. Enjoy the weekend.Image