Two steps forward, one step back.

When I was in severe crisis one month ago today I contacted three  people who I knew could help me. I knew these people were my lifeline. I spoke , at length , to all three over the first weekend I was released from a psychiatric unit. I begged them to help me to be understood and to help my family and friends to find answers.Although I am a keen writer, I was in so much crisis that I asked one friend to help me explain myself. I felt nobody was listening. I am and will be forever grateful to Maria, she has helped me face my beast.

The lady who wrote this piece below is Maria Dillon, someone who has some understanding of me but also someone who has walked the walk. She has a great self awareness, and she also is very much aware of others. She is so in tune with life that I aspire to be like her. ,

“Sometimes in life we find ourselves day to day just doing the best we can to get by, and trying also to convince the world we have everything under control. As a partner, parent, sibling, child, colleague or friend, we attempt to reassure others all is well. However, underneath bubbling away is a rising tide of impending doom, anxiety and the darkness rising slowly.

Only we feel it and often we ourselves deny it happening. It rises slowly within over time as we learn to mask it to the outside world but when it finally floods us, our cry for help is like a tidal wave suddenly hitting others. A moment comes when it simply feels we can let go, a relief in thinking we can finally be free of this demonic weight that drags us continually down. We take our moment and nothing else matters… Yet here in this moment. for those of us lucky enough to gain a quick awareness, we instinctively scream out for help. That basic desire to keep living gains super strength, and we do what it takes to shout out, to escape the stranglehold of death.

Everything after becomes a blur…all energies are poured into us to revive us, we’re bombarded with 101 questions, we see the horror on our loved one’s faces. Shock is all around. We’re in a spotlight, stuck trying to not only answer others but answer to ourselves. All the why’s, how’s, how long, what happened?

Yes, what did happen? For many that answer may take years to work out and maybe never come. For others being there before, it begins to feel like a shuffled dance. Two steps forward, one step back. We’ve been here before, we know this scene only too well. Strangely, unlike that first time, there’s a gained ability to bounce back quicker. The haze begins to lift and a new clarity gives us an insight into just where we’ve been lately. When you’ve danced in the darkness and made a deal to cross to the other side, only then can you understand just how precious life is. How thin the line that keeps us connected can be, how precariously easy it can be to break. Within a shorter time is a rush, a great need to let others know just how delicate that cord that keeps us alive is. So here you stand loudly with a message for others…no matter what, choose life.  Reach out, shout, scream, kick, whatever it takes…just fight to hold on.

Problems we face suddenly can dissipitate when the enormity of life within us is threatened. Am I a victim?? Do I play that role?? Yes, but only because I have endured the trauma of facing no longer being alive. There’s a heavy mixture of both shock and elation and now I face a new chapter once again in life, of self discovery and healing. Can I help others??  Always, even if my story only helps one other person then my experience will have had a positive outcome. I am living proof that there is always hope, even at our lowest point. I reached out, so can you. “

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