Who am I ?

I am a 50 year old woman.
I do not mind if this is published and I can get advice as long as my name is not used.Not sure how to write this as I have never tried to explain 50 years of hurt before.

To start with I feel I have no identity. I know this sounds silly but I have no idea who I am.
I am adopted, and the people who adopted me were not the nicest of people and I suppose in this day and age would never be allowed to adopt. Well one hopes.

The mental cruelty they put me through has plagued me for my whole life. That is not to mention the physical and sexual abuse I suffered at their hands.
I constantly feel like a target for people to hurt me.
I have had two attempted rapes, even though these were many years ago I still feel like I should have been able to prevent them.
I married a man who bullied me for over 25 years. He was extremely abusive especially after he had a drink. In the end he drank every night and the constant threats to my life got too much.
I attempted suicide 12 years ago and although I swore to myself that no one would ever get me to that point again, i found myself recently having dark thoughts.
I moved out 18 months ago to escape and now live in a beautiful place. My problem here is since moving here I lost my job and for the first time in my life I am unemployed, I know nobody here so have no friends. I do not make friends easily as i do not trust people enough to let them in.
It was my 50th recently I did not receive one card, but what makes it worse is most people did not even realise. Don’t get me wrong I did not want parties or gifts, just an acknowledgement of the day.
I am proud of the fact that i have managed to survive 50 years. but even my own daughters did not remember. I know they are busy but I would have liked a phone call.
Maybe i am just having a moan here as I am not a talker. I was raised not to show emotion so i suppose people even those close to me have no idea how I feel inside.
I am not a talker so i could never say all this to a counsellor.
So not really sure why i am writing this. i suppose just for once to get some of it off my chest.

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6 thoughts on “Who am I ?

  1. I understand that you feel safer alone after such a traumatic past, but it is important to know that you cannot deal with this alone. This is a great first step that you have made, writing to Pen Relief(PR) and I hope that it helps to get this off your chest, but where now for you?
    The healing journey has taken a new path tonight, and now the path comes to a fork and you must decide which route you will take. One path will lead you to seek further interventions that will make your life more bearable and the other leads you to not seeking help.
    I hope you chose to seek further help. You can do this by continually writing to PR and getting some solace here. I have no problem with that but I will be encouraging you all the time to seek further help. If it helps to write then please continue to do so.
    Is there anything in particular you would like me to do at this time. You can answer here or e mail me .
    Pen Relief will help you.
    GeeCee

  2. Your story is so honest, and from your heart and while you say you are not a talker it’s fantastic that you can articulate so well how you feel. Don’t feel so alone there are so many people that can identify with your story and so many willing to help, you are incredibly brave and don’t deserve to be mistreated by anyone , not for one single second! What a brave step to move on, it’s a time of huge change for you I am sure and a time to find yourself and realise what an immensely powerful person you are. The dark thoughts will pass , but please seek out the supports that can and will help you through, I’m sure the moderators of pen relief can help point you in the right direction there and in the meantime keep writing it really really helps xxxxx

  3. writing down your feelings and thoughts is a great healing… it can be better than talking… i am sorry for what you have had to live through but i applaude you for having the strenght to take control of your life and walk away.. that shows you are turning a great corner in your life…as far as your birthday goes… why not ask your daughters to come to you for a belated lunch… i am sure they will oblige and it might help to build on your relationship with them… are there any local charities you can volunteer at so you can make some friends… you dont have to reveal your past… it can be anything you want… you are in control of what people know about you… you are stronger than you realise… continue to write down feelings and memories.. this is just for your own healing.. you can burn the pages when you are done.. or you can use this forum to vent … either way it frees your head of unhealthy thoughts.. i wish you well for your new future… new beginings 🙂

  4. Hiya
    first of thank you for sharing it was a very brave thing to do! As eileen said before writing can b as if not more effective than talking! So u have taken a very positive step there!!
    Another huge positive f u cud focus on it is that yes u are 50 and u are a survivor and in spite of what uve gone tru u are still here to tell the tale! U are a winner even tho it mite not seem like it at this point!! Have been victim of child abuse and yes that does define our lives sadly! I kniw what if feels like to feel like the outsider in everything! And because you stood up for yourself you are the one in the wrong so it easier to lead a defeatest life! The last one to be thought about!
    But u have the advantage here! U are at a point where u can start again you know exactly what and who u have in ur life! Let life begin at 50 and take the control u never had until now! Im not saying it will be easy! You have taken the first step by writing here abd u know what u deserve to be heard abd u deserve to count and mean something to someone! Im not really sure where u live but know there are plenty of supports available! Counselling was nvr for me but I think you will find a time when u will be ready to talk bout ur life! Youve lived ur survival story! There are lots of lovely groups to get involved if ur in tralee there is tralee womens resource centre, they do lots of groups like creative grpuo or writing and they provide social aspect for u to meet people, then there are courses to work on personal development ect but all in good time! And there is rape crisis centre who to do one to one and groups with people who have gone true similar to what u have!! The dark thoughts are there but u talking bout them judt shows u can beat them they are temporary! You aee only 50 and have a full life to lead yet so please allow yourself to be free to be you!! And get to know yourself! And thank you for sharing your story 🙂

  5. Hiya
    First of all thank you for sharing your story, it was a very brave thing to do! As Eileen said before, writing can be as helpful , if not more effective than talking! So you have taken a very positive step there!!
    Another huge positive if you could focus on it is that, yes you are 50 and you are a survivor and in spite of what you have gone through you are still here to tell the tale!
    You are a winner even though it might not seem like it at this point!! I have been a victim of child abuse and yes, that does define our lives sadly! I know what it feels like to be the outsider in everything! And because you stood up for yourself you are the one in the wrong, so it can become easier to lead a defeatists life! The last one to be thought about!
    But you have the advantage here! You are at a point where you can start again, you know exactly what and who you have in your life! Let life begin at 50 and take the control you never had ,until now!
    I’m not saying it will be easy! You have taken the first step by writing here and you know what ?You deserve to be heard and you do count and mean something to someone! I’m not really sure where you live but know there are plenty of supports available!
    Counselling was never for me but I think you will find a time when you will be ready to talk about your life! You have lived your survival story! There are lots of lovely groups to get involved if your in Tralee there is Tralee womens Resource Centre, they do lots of groups like creative groups or writing and they provide social aspect for you to meet people, then there are courses to work on personal development etc, but all in good time!
    There is a rape crisis centre who do one to one, and groups sessions with people who have gone true similar to what you have!! The dark thoughts are there but you talking about them just shows you can beat them, they are temporary! You are only 50 and have a full life to lead yet so please allow yourself to be free….. to be you!! Get to know yourself, and thank you for sharing your story.

  6. I can relate to the writer in the post “who am I?I turned 50 on 15 November and what a shock and daunting realisation it was that I was so old!In May this year I attempted to commit suicide due to many resond.Then I decided I am taking control now.irrespective of my childhood years,irrespective of all the abuse in my life!Those things are behind me.I am tired of dragging it with me.

    I them went for therapy,got my meds sorted out.Children doen’t love you half as much as you love them but eventually they come back to you.They go through very selfish phases,but it will pass.

    Try to take out some self motivatinal books at the library and write down GOALS for yoursels.Short term.mid term and long term and how you are going to get there.I am struggling with that myself at the moment (drawing up a plan for the goals) so I am reading the book again,ewant to copy it.

    I try to do one good thing to someone else per day.I stay clear from negative people.These self motivational books tell you how to be assertive,how to have a conversation and how to go for an interview even.Give it a try.And age is just a number.You get a young fifty and an old fifty,a young sixty and an old sixty,depending on how you see yourself.

    Be strong,enjoy the small things in life like a beautiful flower,a sunrise.Be like a dog,kick grass on the shit and move on.And the people that have wronged you.leave them to God,he takes revenge in this life.mark my words.I have seen it with my own eyes.My son was sexually molested at two and a half.That and other incidents I have seen mature punishes.Judt you wait.Good luck.xxx

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