Light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi when I heard about Pen Relief today, I knew I had to write my story to show people there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking back I could see my depression started at about 11 years of age, it is hereditary in the family so I guess I did not stand a chance.My father was in the health sector and my mother a teacher.  She was an incredibly cold person and very abusive, physically and mentally.  A neighbour wanted to foster me and it was because of that I got my worst beating, it was then I knew I didn’t want to carry on.  I was 14 and did not want to bring shame on the family and so because my father worked in the health sector I could easily get my hands on tablets, so took ones that would cause heart failure with long use, nothing happened after a few weeks so then decided to take the whole lot and for some miracle it did not kill me only coughed up blood for weeks after.

I became obsessed then with the church and graveyards, obviously a way of diverting away from the depression.My depression peaked in my early twenties and plagued me throughout my twenties.  I became a recluse for a year and could not go out as I would get panic attacks; I was literally rotting away in a dirty old bedsit and surviving on a packet of biscuits a day.

My twenties were a blur, I turned to alcohol, had two hospital stays in the psychiatric ward, few suicide attempts more of a cry for help though.  I was a complete mess.  Then married a man who was like my mother and the horrible abuse started all over again.Got to my thirties and went for serious counselling to help me with the trauma I had suffered as a child but there was one mental block from the ages of 8-12 I had no recollection and when I was put under, seemingly, I was hysterical.

I have been on medication for years and years and have now finally have a lot of control over my illness, I can catch the signs when I am going down and therefore increase my medication,and if I had known years ago the 3 things that could improve my mental health substantially, things would have been different, these are:

 1       A GOOD COUNSELLOR, someone you can bond with and trust

 2       DIET, omegas, fruit, less fatty foods, crisps

 3       EXERCISE might not want to get out of the bed but force yourself to do it.

 SUICIDE is permanent, these feelings of despair do pass, it does not feel like it will but believe me I have had plenty of them to know.

I have found personal development groups and mindfulness meditation a godsend, I have grown stronger knowing I will not leave this illness run my life anymore, it is a part of me and now will be my neutral acquaintance, neither good nor bad.

  A few months ago my mind was finally able to reveal what happened in those blocked years, I had been sexually abused by a neighbour, and you know what, I could cope with it.

I will always be on medication, and need weekly counselling, I will always face depression but the difference now is I can cope better and I now know it will pass.

 The funny thing is only close family, and one close friend, know I am on medication and suffer from depression and if I can hide it how many more out there can do the same but are not getting the suitable help.



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